I love Masterchef. Genuinely love it. Unfortunately one man ruins it for me. And no it isn't that nervous chef who comes within 3mm of cutting his thumb off when trying to slice some bread. Introducing Mr Greg Wallace. The BBC's equivalent to Louis Walsh. Somebody who has as much knowhow about good food as my parents have about Twitter.
Like Louis Walsh, Greg Wallace would have nothing to say if he was left all alone. Like Louis Walsh Greg Wallace has an extremely punchable face. And like Louis Walsh, Greg Wallace cannot believe his luck right now. My burning question is "What does the BBC see that I don't?" Is it the impossible roundness of his head that, like a new World Cup football, continually gets rounder every series? Or is it his love for anything that has an alarmingly unhealthy amount of sugar in?
How has somebody, whose only real quality as far as I can see is an unwavering knack of listing ingredients in a certain order, remained on my television box for so long? "Mmmm. First you get the toasty bread, then you get the cheese and then you get the baked beans. That beans on toast with cheese has everything you'd ever want from a classic beans on toast with cheese". Inspired Greg.
Greg Wallace. The glorified greengrocer with a natural ability to make the masses frustrated that they didn't get the call from the BBC to read out a shopping list on telly for a ridiculous salary.
"Mmmmmm. First you get the smug face. Then you get that annoying laugh about...nothing. And then you get the same response as the previous judge, just worded slightly differently. That is everything you'd ever want from your classic Greg Wallace."
